Vote for Me: My Mommy Platform

I've decided that none of these guys running for office really represent the issues that I care about.  I mean, yes, yes, we need to take care of the whole Middle East war situation.  (I truly believe that if they just sent a mom of preschoolers over there, she could help them resolve the conflict.  We're the most practiced in conflict resolution.  I spend about 63.25 percent of my day saying things like, "Can you think of a solution that will make you both happy?"  And they come up with remarkably clever solutions).  And yes, yes, the economy needs more than just a little attention. (Again, mothers are uniquely equipped to handle that, too.  Who else can make the last $5 last an extra five days before pay day?  While most would look into my fridge or pantry and see no prospects for dinner, I can create masterpieces out of slightly stale bread, a few eggs, and the spice rack). But come on, on a day-to-day basis, I'm worried about other things.  If you are, too, then consider casting your vote for me in November!  Here's my platform:

-Teachers will no longer be permitted to reward children for good behavior with trinkets, nor will other parents be permitted to disperse similar trinkets to children at birthday parties.  If they persist, they must create a way to use these choking hazards, tripping hazards, and clutter into an alternative energy source.

-Makers of children's television programs who use high-pitched or goofy voices must cease and desist.  There is no reason Elmo couldn't teach letters, shapes, and numbers and sound like Colin Firth.  PBS, if you want government money, make it happen.

-Girl Scouts must begin selling their cookies after Lent.  Really, come now, girls.  Too much government?  Too much temptation, I say.

-Clothing makers will be given tax incentives to create a stylish, chic, flattering, dressy yoga pant.  We have the technology, ladies.

-A public service campaign will promote the sexy attributes of the minivan.  Sienna, you had me at Swagger Wagon.

-A new federal agency will be created, NAN (Nannies as Needed) and will provide child care on an as-needed basis.  Needs include:  a latte, a ballet flat, an emergency pre-menstrual organization of a closet.

-And last but not least...what you all have been waiting for...tummy tucks will become illegal.  An appreciation for the post-pregnancy belly pooch will spread nationwide.  Flat-bellied models, enjoy a thin mint or two.  And vote for me!