We're All God's Special Needs Kids

So, going through the whole Autism assessment process with Mikey since he was 18 months old and trying to figure out what issues he has or might have in the future really gave me a glimpse into the world of families with special needs kids and how it completely transforms a parent's concept of parenthood.  Currently, Mikey is not diagnosed with anything but he certainly has a few interesting quirks that might or might not end up being Aspergers.  When we first thought he might be diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum, we were heartbroken for what that would mean for his future relationships or lack thereof.  But it also was heartbreaking to think that certain dreams and hopes that Mike and I had as parents of a boy might never come true.  What if he had no interest in team sports because he was socially unable to cope and therefore never played Little League?  What if he just couldn't function at birthday parties because they were too loud and overwhelming?  There were lots of unanswered questions and still are, really.  But what I realize now that he's age four and doing remarkably well, is that a lot of those fears were about what I wanted to receive out of parenting.  I wanted hugs and cute photos and fun memories for me.  Having this issue arise so early in our parenting adventure helped me to really see how selfish I was being and how raising children is totally and completely about giving of yourself at every turn.  And as a bonus, sometimes, you get rewarded with awesome moments, but they can't be the focus of the process.  By the way, one of the little, no wait, major bonuses I got just the other day was this scene:

Mikey:  Mommy, I have a surprise for you!

Mommy:  Oh yeah, where is it?  (Looking for a sticker or picture)

Mikey:  It's a big hug!

He wrapped his arms as far around my big midsection as he could and squeezed.  That was something a few years ago, I never would have thought would happen, but that kind of sweetness goes on all of the time now.  At age three when he was melting down for a half hour every day with temper tantrums, I thought I just couldn't handle a kid with this kind of emotional make-up, but now, he rarely even whines.  He obeys me beautifully...most of the time...I mean...he is human and he is only four!  But he's the one who I ask to go find me things when I need a helper.  He's the one who goes in to check on the baby for me when I ask him to after naptime.  He's the one who has to hold my hand walking from the car to a parking lot because he "loves me too much." 

All of this has me thinking about what it is God wants parents to learn about Him through this roller coaster ride of child rearing.  There are powerful lessons that He has hidden in every moment of the day if we'll just listen to those whispers, but I feel like parents with kids with any kind of special need get a little more than a whisper, some like my amazing aunt and uncle with a daughter who has never been able to walk or talk and have shown her the most amazing love and dignity her whole life...those kinds of strong, beautiful parents get shouts of God's love every time they look at their child who is completely lovely in His sight.

So, what could God be whispering, saying, shouting?  I think He's trying to tell us that despite our quirks, our inabilities to do what He, our parent tells us, our tendancy to want our own way, to break down into temper tantrums when we can't handle the simplest stress...that He is going to love us and take care of us anyway.  He's not going anywhere even when He feels like pulling the van over and giving us a time out on the side of the road.  And oh, He does that sometimes, too!  God has had to teach me the same lessons over and over and over again, and I'm sure He's thinking to Himself, "I JUST TOLD YOU...DON'T YOU LISTEN?!"  But He teaches and reteaches with patience because He knows that we're not perfect.  We have special needs, too.  And yet we're made with infinite possibilities to learn and grow and become better.  Just as I've seen miraculous growth in Mikey's social skills over the past  year, I know that I have the potential to surprise God with growth in areas that He's got every right to have grown exasperated with me in. 

When I think of Mikey's major issue all along, lack of eye contact and object focus, and the number of times I've tried every trick in the book just to get him to look at me, it makes me stop and think.  Parents want their children to look at them, to turn to them, to focus on them, if even for a little bit each day.  But it means so much to look to someone when talking and to really give them your full attention.  Mikey has a good reason, I suppose, for having a tough time shifting his gaze to match mine...something in his chemistry.  I don't have that excuse, so how discouraging must it be for my Father to try and try to get me to look to Him and I just keep turning away, distracted by things.  I fall asleep many nights thinking, "I should read my Bible or something to meditate on...too tired...I'll just think of a verse...."  and every night that I do that, the verse that is in my head as I refuse to open my Bible is "Seek ye first the kingdom of God."  He's whispering to me to look at him, and I, like a child with ASD keep my head turned away.  I can do better.  I have the inspiration of a little guy who has struggled to look me in the eye for years, but who now tells the most horrible knock-knock jokes in the world to me...all the time staring me in the face to see if I'll laugh.  Yeah, I can do better.

What an inspiration it is to watch our children grow!  Special needs or regular needs, we're all God's children who He'll nurture and not give up on.