Day 149 on the job, 5,009 catastrophes averted, 1,954 collisions prevented, 867 bumps and bruises avoided
8:00 AM Older two awake and sick. Baby awakes, I reinsert pacifier to ensure one more hour of sleep and one more hour of germ avoidance. Plan to do similar throughout day to ensure maximum alone time in crib.
9:00 AM Baby awakes for feeding. Celia pounces on baby immediately. I distract her with a shiny object to avoid head bump. (Note to self: Research why four-year-old girl might bob head repeatedly at baby's head in style of Hasidic Jew at Wailing Wall).
9:05 AM Insert germ shield between mother's sneeze and baby's face.
9:07 AM Pinch mother to keep her awake so as not to drop baby. (Note: Hide Nyquil in back of medicine cabinet so mom's more alert tomorrow).
9:30 AM Block crayon bucket inches before it bumps baby in the head. Mother must have blinked.
9:45 AM Security Level Red! Mother went to restroom leaving baby strapped into swing while older siblings lurk nearby. Mikey dangles antique Goldfish found under couch cushion dangerously close to baby's face. I activate the talking Elmo toy that hasn't worked in a year to divert his attention.
10:15 AM Strategically place Jesus Loves Me bookmark so mother notices just as she's about to lose temper with 89th request for Max and Ruby of the morning.
10:30 AM Sprinkle sleeping dust on baby's eyes just before Mikey has an accident in his underpants and Celia needs restroom assistance.
10:35 AM Take break while baby sleeps
12:45 PM Realize I should have stayed awake. Baby scratched head repeatedly when he got out of swaddle. (Note: Whisper in mother's ear at next naptime to swaddle more tightly).
12:50 PM Muffle children's 400th telling of the interrupting cow joke long enough for mother to measure formula properly.
2:00 PM Somehow all four of them are squeezed into the bathroom. Not asking questions. While all are distracted, turn batteries around wrong way to stop Elmo's incessant story telling that hasn't stopped since this morning.
2:15 PM Call to cousin Leah's guardian angel to whisper to Aunt Beth to call her sister who desperately needs adult conversation after watching the pilot episode of Krypto the Superdog for the fourth time today.
2:30 PM Double dose of sleeping dust for extra-long nap. The Nyquil's wearing off mother, but is on her second box of Kleenex of the day.
3:30 PM Sing baby lullaby to get baby back to sleep after waking to the noises of big kids launching selves from coffee table onto crib mattress.
4:45 PM Place phone near Mikey's favorite Mater truck. He presses redial, calls Dad, hangs up. Dad returns call, gives Mom much needed encouragement to get through last two hours before he returns home.
5:00 PM Whisper to Celia to pick up doll and pretend to feed her to gently remind Mom that fussing baby might want another bottle sometime today.
5:15 PM Pick up and throw away three tiny beads that fell out of Celia's artistic centerpiece that would certainly have choked the baby once he learned how to crawl.
5:40 PM Scoot dirty diaper an inch further from baby's foot after change to avert filthy catastrophe.
Every minute between 5:45-6:35 PM Pray without ceasing that family makes it through dinner, bathtime, and pajama time without someone losing a tooth, a handful of hair, their temper, or their mind. And sing sweetly to Xavier so he will stay calm in the middle of the chaos.
6:35 PM Daddy's home! I'm clocking out.
Love! :)
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