But if I did have the energy to put together a pitch to a gadget company of some sort. Here are the ideas I've come up with so far.
10. Swiffer Sleeper: Make a baby sleeper out of Swiffer material so when the baby learns to crawl, especially if he belly crawls like Xavier, your floors are clean and shiny with little to no effort on your part!
9. Step Stool Beeper: This device would detect motion and beep when you come within a couple of feet of the step stool. So, when you're carrying a baby in the middle of the night, and you're not looking down, you won't run into the blasted step stool that's been left in the hallway for God knows what reason leaving yet another bruise on your shins. Step Stool Beeper. Don't laugh...you'll have one soon.
8. Ipod/Baby Swing: You can plug in your Ipod and play your favorite music while your baby swings rather than listen to that incessant twinkly lullaby music over and over and over and over and...three kids later...I'm over the twinkly tunes. And how cool would it be to have your kids singing along with their sweet little voices to Lady Gaga? OK, I admit, I haven't listened to any actual new music on the radio or anywhere else in so long, I don't even have a cool band in mind to refer to. I think Lady Gaga sings...right? ;)
7. Creative Compliments App: This app (ap?) would provide interesting ways to tell your kid they did a great job on their artwork, somersault, singing, counting, bike riding, dancing, pooping, etc. "Good job" is just so vague and uninspiring. But when you're worn out and the somersault was just OK, it's tough to really flex your lexicon.
6. A Polite Comment T-Shirt: There are times when I'm just tired of politely saying, "I sure do," and smiling when I'm told for the 18th time on my trip to Target that "I sure do have my hands full." I know people don't realize that it's tiresome and unoriginal, so I don't want to give a rude retort. And someone recently recommended saying, "Yes, but my heart is fuller!" But I just can't say that with a straight face...however true it might be. I'd prefer just having a T-shirt that says what I usually say myself those 18 times, "Yes, I do have my hands full, and I wouldn't have it any other way."
5. A Tough-Mom Voice Recording: There are a lot of moments when I think I'm being tough with my kids, but they're just not getting it and keep asking for what I've said no to. But when I really listen to the sound of my own voice, I realize that it's way too sweet. And when I try to sound really tough, I just yell and sound like a loon and scare Celia. Mikey is typically unmoved by my over-the-edge mom voice. Xavier typically shoves more puffs into his mouth. So, I'd really like to be able to push a button on a machine that says in a firm, forceful, in control voice, maybe one with a British accent...that always makes things sound more official..."Mommy said no and she meant it. Now mind your mommy."
4. One-Step-Hair-And-Make-Up-Mask: There are days now and again...like Monday-Friday...when it's tough to fit in doing my own hair and make-up. And while I totally and completely believe in the idea that moms have to take care of themselves so that we can take care of our loved ones, reality is that sometimes Mommy chooses to sleep an extra 15 minutes to take care of herself instead of looking glam. So, I propose a mask that has hair and make-up completely done on those days when yeah, it just ain't happenin'.
3. Robotic Car Seat: I get that car seat straps have to be tough enough to undo that kids can't just get out and hang out the sun roof, but it's a shame that they're also so hard to latch. I calculate that I would save 1.7 million minutes a year if my kids could strap themselves into their own car seats. Enter robotic car seat. Patent pending.
2. No Leak Juice Boxes: Capri Suns are not welcome in my home. I don't want to talk about it. So, we've just started allowing juice boxes for snack time at school. But really? Et tu, juice box? Why must they have bendy straws? The kids pick up the box, and the strength of their baby grips is enough to squirt out the juice onto the Mater picture on the box, the Lightning McQueen picture on the shirt, and the Pixar logo on the shoes. There has to be a stronger material to make those boxes out of. There's got to be! I believe that we have the technology.
1. The Never-Ending Paper Towel Roll: I'm sorry, Mother Earth. I love you. I recycle. I take canvas bags to the grocery store. I thought about walking the kids to school once. But I draw the line at not using paper towels. I love a good, strong, durable, absorbant paper towel. I tried the ones recycled from old cardboard boxes or something, but I had to use ten of them to make up for their cheapness. So, I get the good ones. But seriously, with three little ones, I can go through a roll in about a hour and a half. Between the Cheerio slurry that Xavier creates, Celia's near-constant artistic endeavors, and Mikey's drippy apple sauce episodes, we're not so earth friendly. My new product will be the water jug delivery guy equivilant to paper towels. But you'll have your own paper towel fairy who lives in the cupboard (that's right...I went with cupboard...no self respecting fairy would be caught dead in a cabinet...too bourgeois) and when she notices you've run out of towels, she'll pop another roll on for you right away! And for an additional $9.95, she'll create clever art projects out of those empty paper towel rolls.
